You often hear how compromise and communication are the key to good relationships. What would you think if I told you I disagree?
Well, I do.
We can address communication another time. But I have never liked compromise. The idea never made sense to me. And it never felt good to not get what I wanted.
Did I mention I was an only child?
Compromise always felt, well… like I was compromising what I really wanted for a watered-down version of it that was often unsatisfying.
One example is of a good friend who loves the movies. I do not enjoy going to movie theaters. To her a fair compromise was to go and pick a movie that I wanted to see. To me, it was a lose-lose situation because she didn’t see the movie she wanted and I was uncomfortable for 2+ hours.
But at the time, I didn’t have the language to express why it didn't sit right with me.
One day I was reading a spiritual book that talked about the concept of harmony. And I felt like I just won the Jeopardy Daily Double.
Harmony! That is what I was looking for. Not compromise.
It was a few more years before I fleshed out my thoughts about it, aided by personal development concepts I learned from my mentors, as well as my own life experience.
Harmony is the idea of both people coming together while each of them get what they want. It sounds counter intuitive but, to me, it is essential to deep and authentic relationships.
Harmony requires that you look deeper into the desire. That you get to what each person really, truly wants and needs.
Using the movie example, after a deep and honest discussion we discovered that my friend wanted to spend time
with me doing something she really
enjoys. And that I, had the same desire. We just differed on the activity. We were just focusing on what we thought would give us that experience rather than focusing on the desire itself.
By getting to the real desire, we realized that we both wanted the same thing. And then, we were able to focus all our energy on finding a way that we could have that experience. We ended up agreeing to get together doing new things we both wanted to try. That way we could spend time together doing an activity enjoyable for both of us.
This had the added benefit of helping us connect in a different way over a shared new and fun experience which would also strengthen our bond.
This type of relationship and engagement requires the willingness to examine our own emotions and beliefs and the use of emotional intelligence skills to navigate.
If you are interested in learning more about Emotional Intelligence or developing your skills in that area, visit my website for more information about the e-course.
The more you practice these skills, the deeper and more meaningful your relationships can become. They will be based on genuine desires and authentic connection and will feel like music to your soul.